Ya Don't See That Every Day

So I was driving to work this morning, sipping my coffee, and singing along to the radio. It was just like every other morning. The same sights and sounds and traffic and construction. The usual joys of the morning commute.

When suddenly... my eyes were accosted with a sight that was FAR from the usual morning encounters. I do not have a picture to share with you, but that is something that you will thank me for when you learn what it was.

Standing there on the street, in front of the McDonald's that I drive by every day, was a very large smiling black man. He was completely naked and he was waving at me.

Let that visual sink in for just a second. Now put yourself in my shoes.

Imagine you are driving down the street, sipping your coffee and singing Def Leopard's "Pour Some Sugar On Me" (I'm pretty sure that's what was on the radio at the moment). Then you notice a man standing on the street waving at the cars driving by. A little strange, but not too crazy. Perhaps he's flagging people over for a car wash at the McDonald's, you think. Then you get a little closer and squint to understand what he is wearing because at a distance it looks like a big brown body suit.

Then suddenly, you are close enough to realize, sister, that ain't a body suit, that's a body and you just saw this man's twig and jiggle berries and you are SCARRED FOR LIFE! Oh and don't look now but he is looking directly at you and waving!

I'm not going to lie. I had absolutely no idea how to process this. I quickly ran through the following emotions: shock, giggle, threw up in my mouth a little, and then I got mad. What if I had Amelia in the car with me? I would have been so furious!

So, I stopped by the campus police station on my walk into the office knowing that I couldn't in good conscience move forward in my day without reporting this absurd crime, even though I was not exactly excited to be the person who explained to a police officer this particular dicey scenario.

I knocked on the window of the police station, "Um, sir. I need to report an anonymous tip." No way was I giving my name or information so that it could forever be linked in some police record as Emily Nation and the smiling waving naked guy. No thank you.

"Sir, there is a man standing on Preston Street out here. And well... he's completely...well..nude."

His response?

"Oh no, Big Mark's stripped down again?!"

I'm sorry, what? This has happened before?  So apparently, I learned from this lovely policeman (who bared a remarkable resemblance to Biff from Back to the Future) that Big Mark is a local man who likes to strip down to his heebie jeebies quite often and stand on the street greeting the passersby. He's always "very nice and not dangerous" but he's "just not all there" and "he's nuttier than a squirrel turd". Yes, that was a direct quote from one of Louisville's finest.

After I felt that my civic duty of reporting the incident was complete, I was able to go to work and try to put the past behind me. Try being the key word here. My poor retinas have been scorched with a visual that may take days to disappear. And you're welcome for sharing the visual with you, so you can be almost as traumatized as I am.

Happy Friday, friends.